Same date every year

Officially 20,

   So how I feel about it ? Pretty normal/excited/sad/numb hahahha. Not exactly the type of feelings you want to feel for your day but I guess I feel it everyday and make it to my birthday, worse ! I'm not complaining, no I'm grateful for everything. Its just that I know holes in my heart is getting bigger everyday with no reasons. Gosh I'm babbling !

   So dear Intan Asyqin, happy 20th dear ! I hope that you getting stronger, getting brighter, just keep walking to the right paths. You may seem normal but you know, cause you messed up inside so hope all those messy things get straight, I wish you long live, joyful life, money tanker and find the one :) 

   Try not to over thinking, try not to overjudge yourself, try not to fall in love with wrong boy ( didn't happen for some time now, cross finger ), please try not to cry when you start your semester, try not to over stress so that your damn PMS will be normal. 

There you go :) 

Pardon the ugliness, pardon the song, sorry if you can't hear me clearly, I didn't know the volume would be that loud, oh btw its Open Hands by Ingrid Michaelson. 

Kiss me before you go

   I guess I can't do anything about it, when it happens it will, no power or force to stop it. I had been braced this since from last semester. God, how many strengths I tried to force down to my heart, it still jabbed in my heart, leave a pain and scars.

   How can I say goodbye if my heart doesn't willing it, how can I move on if everywhere I looking at, I remember them. How ? I know I have to let go, let go and be gone by gone, this is the path, the path that had been decided since I don't know when. How I cherish every moment I had with them, from the start till the end. Till now. 

   How I wish I can just make everything go away, I don't like this, at all ! Why make me love them if they just gonna go away. Why ? Why make them as a part of me if they just gonna drift apart ? WHY FUCKING DAMN ?  

I will be strong, I will, will. How I wish I can be more strong for them :)

Hey Now

Hello :) 

  What a long long time since I last update my blog. Sorry guys if lama tak update heheheh, been busy with my assignment, after assignment full pulak with MPP'S duties ( never ending duties ) and now final exams. Already done 2 paper which one of it is LAW, dunno whether I pass or die hahaha. To be honest I'm miss blogging, missing the one place that I can express my feeling , I know here people won't know ( if know pun, bukan boleh buat apa )  so yeah insyaAllah  I will frequently update my blog but don't complain if silly thing I post.  

  My latest face which full of make up hahahha, don't be fool by it. Since I have just 1 more week to finish my semester 4, I decide my one month break will fill with self treatment. Means beauty treatment and diet ( cross finger ). I can't find any job that suit my one month break ( tak sampai sebulan pun -.-' ) so how about I treat myself :) that idea seems ok but I wish I can just go to spa every day hahahhaa but since I can't afford it, DIY je lah. 

Will update soon kay ;D stay tune.

Overshadow

The biggest question of my life is :

How my feeling right now ?

   Seriously I don't  know how to react, to feel or to think straight. If I'm flipping my mood, whole thing will turn wrong. Its like I've to be in control. Control ? I don't know how to control my feeling, even my face motion. This sick feeling makes me wanna run away, far away. Like for only one second, let me scream, let me be bitch and just let me lose control. 

   This guilty, this anger, this shames and this and that ! FUCKKKK OFFFFFFFF ! Maybe I'm over thinking, over thinking ? Yeah my biggest talent and the best thing I can do now. Thumbs up for me ! After everything happen, when I mean 'everything' like everything I wasn't expected, yeah life is unexpected right. From that to that, too much to shallow. 

   This is my test from Allah SWT, yeah yup yeaahhhhhh !!!! I know I can handle this, I know I can shallow it, I know I can kick ass but the process dohhhh ! The pain, headache, tears and bricks up broken bones, that's what I feared the most.  I feared during the process, I'm hurting wrong person due to 'unstable' me. 

   Oh my god, I wish I can just switch place with someone, I know there's many people out there facing more problem than  me but I'm human. I'm bound to feel 'ungrateful'. Dear Allah, I'm so sorry to neglect you, felt that I'm soooo low, I'm sorry ! I'm so sorry that I being so selfish, being sick selfish bitch ! I don' where I get this sick attitude or wait ? Maybe I was like that from the first place but like I said, I was in control. 

Crawling

   Before that, I just wanna wish Happy Ramadhan to all Muslims all over the world. May this Ramadhan bring joyful and bless from Allah SWT. 

   Alhamdullilah already on the 7th day of puasa, still able to puasa and hopefully penuh this year. I have high hopes on puasa penuh this year cause yeah level of strewwsss is high above. Hahahahaa I don't know how to describe or how to feel anymore, all I get is headache so yeah just follow the flow lah, Everything that happen and will happen, I just go through till it past by. Tired of feeling pain and hopeless, tired of crying, tired of trying to defend others for the sake of professional. So yeah if its an A, than A lah. 

   To be honest, I'm exhausted, I'm exhausted not because I'm weak with Allah's dugaan, no it wasn't that. I'm sick of people, that's what make my strength low each days. Hoping for honesty of friendship or respect, but I got nothing,instead I got a betrayals. They may not notice but everyday I swallow every shit they put me through. Its okay, its alright. 

   Now I just wish Allah give me extra strength and patience cause seriously need one, Anyways happy fasting guys :) 

Why are we so ......

   A 'vely" HELLO to all dear readers, yahh I've been using 'vely'  pretty much for today. Feeling udah lama bangat ngak diupdatekan blog aku yaaa. Maaf yaaa aku busy banget sihhh ! Hahahahaha yeah missing my blog so much but whenever I'm typing, it doesn't feel right, you know no connection so yeah been dragged for whole months since then.

   So what happen to me ? Well shortcut la yeah, my life 50% sucks, 30% (Y) and the rest is a blur ( which is happen most of the time ). 2 months ago I had my semester break and now 3rd week of my sem 4, already headache with stupid things, well people but I prefer to describe them as 'thing' cause they not worth it to call human, for me lah.

  Another disaster and drama ? Well those things are my days. But everything happen for reason right ? Yeah even it breaks my heart and bones but it will never success on crushing them, fragile as it looks, but my hearts made by ermmmm what it calls ek, ala org jahat dalam Terminator 2 tu, tembak sambung balik, pecah sambung balik hahahhaa, go google it. 

   Dah lali dah org pandang rendah, pandang macam Intan tak boleh diharap, kena pijak kepala and kena ignore, well asam garam Intan lah, yeah it hurts so bad when people judging you based on your looks and just simply label you weak. Lali tak lali, tak pernah stop wondering kenapa org selalu macam tu dengan Intan, Intan selalu je biasa, tak kurang ajar tak sopan sangat, relax je but still...maybe there's a cop over my head that say "USE ME". Well I don't know about that but what I know is what goes around, come around, callng someone stupid or looking down at him, doesn't make you smart or make everyone salute you. NO NO NO NO and BIG NO ! 

   What am I doing right now ? I'm doing what the best thing I'm good at, ignore and simply move on. I don't need this things cause in another few years, all these damn things will be just a scars or nightmare, as bad as I am, I always had my loved one behind me, that's my best features. No matter how complicated I am, there's always one who understand me.